


The Hurt Makes it Beautiful

by Anonymous_Ostrich



Category: Free!
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Codependency, Domestic Violence, I Don't Even Know, I'm Going to Hell, Kidnapping, M/M, Rei keeping Nagisa prisoner, Stockholm Syndrome, Yandere!Rei, mentions of rape/non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-08 03:50:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6837961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anonymous_Ostrich/pseuds/Anonymous_Ostrich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rei was just as trapped as he was. He was a prisoner of his own delusions, his own misguided feelings. He loved Nagisa. Nagisa had never doubted that for a moment. Nor had he doubted his own love for Rei. </p><p>Neither of them could ever be free.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I forgive you 'cause I love you

Nagisa's eyelids are heavy as he wakes. They usually are. He sleeps far more than the average 23-year old his age, and he supposes boredom has a lot to do with it. He doesn't question it anymore. He just wakes up and hopes to be able to go back to sleep just as quickly.

This morning - or is it the afternoon? - Nagisa feels shifting in bed next to him, and he remembers that he's not alone. His heart does a dull flip of nervousness in his chest, but he remains still and feigns sleep. He knows it won't work. It never works. Rei has become so intimately familiar with his body over the last several months, he knows the moment Nagisa is awake by the rate of his breath and the faint tenseness of his muscles.

"Nagisa-kun… Good morning," Rei says sweetly, burying his face in the crook of Nagisa's bare shoulder from behind. Nagisa's throat is dry; he hadn't had an opportunity before sleep to re-hydrate himself after the hours of exertion Rei subjected him to beforehand. His throat issues a hoarse hum in reply. He hears Rei's breath hitch.

"Nagisa-kun, my goodness, are you thirsty? You sound like you need some water."

He feels Rei's weight leave the bed and the man walks around to Nagisa's side, sitting just at the edge, resting a hand gently on Nagisa's face and tracing his cheek with his finger. "I kept you busy last night, didn't I? I didn't even give you a chance to relieve yourself after. Do you need to go to the bathroom?"

Nagisa rubbed the sleep from his eyes and softly nodded, his ears burning in humiliation. Over time the embarrassment had faded, but it was still there, breathing just under the skin and curling his stomach into a sick knot. Sometimes when he worried that his pride was completely gone from him he would remember the moments when he still felt shame, and it would give him an odd sense of relief.

Rei gently took Nagisa's hand and helped him out of bed, the satin sheets falling from Nagisa's nude body. Rei smiled at him warmly. "Let's go get you cleaned up. We should brush your teeth first, get you a glass of water and then go to the bathroom. Can you hold it for that long, Nagisa-kun?"

With another vague nod of his head, Nagisa was led to the bathroom where Rei began the morning ritual. He sat Nagisa down on a small chair near the mirror - Nagisa could never meet his own eyes in the mirror anymore - and began brushing his teeth for him. When he was home, Rei always insisted that he do these sorts of things for Nagisa. Resisting was pointless, so Nagisa had long since learned not to fuss and to let him have his way. If he relented, Rei was gentle with him.

"Open up a bit more," Rei prompted with an encouraging smile, slipping a finger into Nagisa's mouth to make more room to brush the molars. Nagisa did as he was told, staring blankly upward as Rei worked. Rei brushed the back of his tongue with a bit of vigor, a gesture that used to make Nagisa gag. He had tamed his gag reflex over the last couple of months with lots of practice.

When finally he was allowed to spit, Rei poured him a glass of water and helped him to take it. The cool water felt amazing traveling down Nagisa's dry throat, and he savored every drop, feeling more energized despite the pointlessness of it.

Rei helped Nagisa to rise and walked him to the toilet. Nagisa suppressed a humiliated blush as Rei watched him urinate, a fond smile on his face.

"Do you feel better now?" Rei asked as Nagisa washed his hands - one of the few activities Rei didn't usually attempt to dominate - and Nagisa nodded again. Lately, Nagisa found himself mostly communicating in gestures, but Rei didn't seem to mind their one-sided conversations. "I'm glad. Again, I'm sorry I didn't give you the chance to do any of that last night. You exhausted me so much I drifted off right away." Nagisa felt a familiar indignant anger rise in his chest. _You exhausted_ me, he thinks venomously. Rei closed off the distance between their bodies. Nagisa takes a half-step back, his lower back hitting the sink. Rei slipped a hand into Nagisa's hair, feeling the soft strands between his fingers.

"You're hair is getting awfully long again, isn't it? After I get home from my errands, I'll have to remember to give you a trim."

Nagisa was never sure where to look when Rei was so close to him. Looking in his eyes was painful and usually only served to remind him that the man he had fallen in love with was no longer there. Looking down too often usually got him in trouble, and looking anywhere else tended to make Rei jealous. Nagisa automatically stared at Rei's mouth as he spoke his sweet words, enraptured by the beautiful lips that pulled so effortlessly into a gentle smile, so full of love and admiration for his lover. His _captive_. Nagisa sometimes forgot what he was to Rei anymore. This lifestyle had long since been normalized in his mind, and some days, he couldn't remember what life used to be like before Rei brought him here to this facility, drugged and in binds.

The living area was quaint and simple. It was one large room with a king-sized bed, a sofa with a couple of chairs, a kitchenette that was barren of food but always well-stocked with bottled water and a bathroom. No windows, no way out other than the automatic steel door that could only be opened with a code. Nagisa had memorized the sound of the code being punched in but had no idea what numbers correlated to each bleep. He had given up on escaping a long time ago anyway, so the sounds only helped alert him when a caretaker was coming into the room.

The caretakers didn't speak to him, look at him or acknowledge him in any way. No one had touched or talked to him in eight months aside from Rei. Nagisa couldn't remember what talking to other people was like, and if he was honest, the thought of it seemed daunting to him now. Rei was perfectly content, however. _I'm the only one that can touch Nagisa-kun. Nagisa-kun is mine, and I'll protect him with my life._ A kiss to his temple, and then, _I love you, Nagisa-kun_.

_I love you, Nagisa-kun._

_I love you._

Nagisa had heard those words more times than he could count. He believed in them. Even when Rei hurt him, terrified him, defiled him, he believed in those words. They were likely the reason Rei had become this way in the first place.

Rei couldn't feel love as Nagisa did. That much was clear to him now. The beginning of their relationship had been so dazzling and wonderful Nagisa hadn't even noticed it, but bit by bit, Rei's personality began to change, began to warp. He became jealous of everything, paranoid that Nagisa was going to come to harm. Worried that someone would steal him away. His irrational fears began to affect their relationship. Before Nagisa could truly accept what was happening it was already too late. It was Rei's lack of understanding love and it's properties that had led him to this. This was Rei's version of love. Nagisa knew this, and because of it, he couldn't find it in himself to hate him.

Rei pressed his fingertips into Nagisa's slim hips, his mouth finding the bend of Nagisa's neck and kissing him there slowly. Nagisa's mouth opened to issue a soft groan, his body slow to respond due to the amount of stimulus from the night before. He hoped that Rei wouldn't want to have sex again so quickly, but Rei pulled away after a moment, a dreamy smile on his face. He tread his long fingers through Nagisa's fluffy blonde hair.

"I have to leave again for a couple of days. I'm being flown to Hokkaido to speak with a new client for the firm. I'll go out of my mind being away from you for that long, but I can feel at ease knowing that you're here, and that you're safe. While I'm gone, you have to behave yourself."

Nagisa nodded, and Rei leveled him an imploring look, touching their foreheads together.

"Let me hear you promise," he said softly.

Nagisa felt a lump rise in his throat. "I promise," he said, his voice sounding foreign to his own ear. Rei smiled warmly.

"That's my good boy." He traced the sides of Nagisa's face with his knuckles. "There's no food in the apartment, but I promise I'll pick up some before I come home. I'll make sure the caretakers bring you something. I love you, Nagisa-kun. I hate to leave you to fend for yourself, if only because you're so lax in your own care when I'm gone…"

Rei was always gone during the day - he'd secured a prodigious job at a law firm in Tokyo shortly after college, so Nagisa _assumed_ he still worked there - but sometimes he would leave for days at a time for business trips. What did he do the rest of the time when he was out? Nagisa was too scared to ask. He didn't want to discover that Rei was possibly living his life as normal, feigning ignorance about Nagisa's whereabouts, talking to Haruka, Makoto, Rin or the rest of them as Nagisa lay in this windowless cell. He didn't want to think about Rei being comforted by their friends when Nagisa initially disappeared, or attending his memorial service when the rest of the world gave up on finding him. He didn't want to think about any of that. He was getting progressively better at shutting down the thought processes of his brain when he was alone so that he would never have to be pestered by those harmful thoughts.

It was easier to think of nothing.

Rei kissed Nagisa's mouth earnestly, yearningly, taking a fistful of his hair in his hand to tilt Nagisa's head back in order to better explore his mouth. Nagisa did nothing to resist him, placing both hands on Rei's chest, mechanically kissing him back. Rei pulled away with a contented sigh, leaving his lover's mouth flushed red, pecking Nagisa between his brows.

"I promise I'll be back to you soon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Spoiler: SHIT DOESN'T GET BETTER  
> IF YOU'RE STICKING AROUND, YOU'RE GOING TO HELL WITH ME. I DON'T MAKE THE RULES
> 
> I'll be posting a chapter a day, so no waiting! Hurrah!


	2. That's why I cut you, just to heal you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perspective is only circumstance wrapped in delusion.

Rei was always gone for varying lengths of time, but Nagisa usually didn't notice the difference. There was no way of telling time in the apartment, no windows, nothing to do and ultimately no way to gauge the passage of time. When there was no food in the apartment, Rei would appoint someone to come into the room in his absence if he was gone longer than two days, to bring Nagisa something to eat so he wouldn't starve. If Nagisa heard a caretaker come in and leave food, he would know that Rei had been gone for three days. If he was insanely hungry by the time Rei returned, he knew it had been almost a week. Rei was never gone for longer than a week.

Nagisa never interacted with the caretakers. When he first arrived here, he begged with them, _pleaded_ with them to help him escape, but his cries were lost on them and they would leave before Nagisa could even finish his desperate proposition. As Nagisa gave up trying to win their pity, he tried to chat with them, just to hear the voice of another living being, to be acknowledged by someone other than his captor. The silence used to drive him crazy, but now he knew how to fall into it, embrace it, and he had long given up on his attempts to talk to the few people who came into his room. Whenever he heard them come, he pulled the covers over his head and silently waited for them to leave.

Two things were strange about hearing the tell-tale bleeps of the security code being punched today; firstly, Nagisa wasn't hungry, which meant that it was not a caretaker bringing him food. Second, Rei had explicitly stated that he would only be gone for two days this time, and he was not usually earlier or later than he estimated. By the time Nagisa had mulled all of this over, he heard unfamiliar voices speaking by the door from under the sheets.

"-did you get the code, again?"

"Not important. He isn't gonna be back until late tomorrow, so we have plenty of time with him."

The sound of a voice that was not Rei's - _two voices_ \- was driving Nagisa's mind into sensory overload. His head spun, and his heart was beating so hard in his chest he was positive it might explode. What was going on? Who were these people? The situation was so surreal and terrifying that Nagisa could do nothing other than freeze under the sheets in a fetal position, his heart thumping its way out of his body.

The sheets were drawn back with a violent jerk, and Nagisa found himself completely exposed to the strangers. His eyes burned. He had been under the sheets for hours, even the dim light was too much. As his eyes focused on the two men at the end of the bed, he tried and failed to grab the sheets back, mute with terror.

" _Look_ at him. We struck gold!"

"He's a bit on the skinny side, isn't he?"

"Who cares? He'll still feel the same when you're fucking him, so what does it matter?"

Nagisa went as white as the sheets. _These men are talking about having sex with me_. He felt numb. How did this happen? Nagisa had already surmised some time ago that he was being held in a facility of some kind, undoubtedly with a staff and rules and guidelines. Up until now, everything had an order to it. Everything made sense, in a twisted way. But this… Rei wouldn't allow this. Not out of kindness, out of selfishness. Out of his version of 'love'.

In a panic, Nagisa summoned a surge of energy and rolled off the bed, making a break for the bathroom, the only part of the apartment with a door. There was no lock, but maybe if he could just hold the door long enough- His efforts were cut short as one of the men blocked the bathroom door, the other grabbing Nagisa's arm from behind and wrenching it behind his back. Nagisa let out a gasp of pain as the man by the bathroom chuckled.

"I'm surprised he has any fight in him at all."

"Usually they don't, do they? All worn out by the time we get to 'em. I can't say I'm disappointed. Maybe this time it won't feel like fucking a doll."

Nagisa thrashed against his captor, his chest heaving with panicked, rapid breaths as he was escorted back to the bed. The man flung him on the mattress, and Nagisa once again tried to launch himself off the other side and make for the steel door. He had no idea what he could accomplish: bang on the door, scream for help? Would anyone come? Did anyone care? Nagisa was grabbed before he could find both feet on the floor and shoved back, one of the men already on the bed, taking off his jacket.

"L-let me go! _Get off me_! Get-" Nagisa received a strong slap in the face, silencing him. His body succumbed to shock and he slumped back as the first man climbed over him, unbuttoning his shirt as he did so. The man smelled horrid; Nagisa's nose curled as the man came closer, a rough hand sliding over Nagisa's smooth chest, slipping down over his slim stomach and pelvis.

"I don't want to fuck up that pretty face, so shut up and do as you're told," the man sneered, grabbing Nagisa's chin hard and trailing his tongue up his right cheek. Nagisa clenched his eyes shut and turned his head away. _This is really happening_. Rei had forced himself on him before - every time since bringing him here, in fact - but he always did it behind the illusion of unbridled love, no matter how delusional. He treated Nagisa like a lover, not his victim, because he truly believed that to be the case.

Over the months the line between 'right' and 'wrong' had become so blurred in Nagisa's head that it was difficult to remember sometimes that Rei was his kidnapper and not his adoring lover, but somewhere inside, Nagisa tried to remember the truth. Still, _this was different_. He loved Rei. He didn't love what he'd become, but it was impossible to remove such deeply planted emotions when he was forced to look at Rei - _only_ Rei - each and every day for months and months. Every time Rei told him he loved him, touched him, made love to him, a sick part of Nagisa's heart would flutter. He had become dependant on him. Rei was all he had in the world.

That was Rei's intention. It was infuriating, it was maddening. _It was effective_.

These smelly, hulking men, however, didn't love him. Even if Rei's artificial version of love was a poisonous one, it was still love. These men had no love for him. He was going to be defiled by someone other than Rei. Nagisa's stomach was turning at the thought.

Nagisa heard the familiar jingle of a belt being unfastened, and he desperately tried to mentally remove himself from the reality of what was about to happen, somewhere far away, in a field covered in flowers. A safe place where all of this had never happened, where Rei never lost his senses, where the two of them could laugh and talk and joke like they used to.

Tactile signals came rushing back to him with painful abruptness when Nagisa realized that the men holding him down had both stopped everything they were doing, both of their heads whipping in the direction of the door. Nagisa's heart lept to his throat as he heard the code being rapidly punched in, and although he couldn't see past the man on top of him, as the door slid open, he knew it was Rei by the way the men tensed.

The silence in the room was a deafening buzz of tension that had Nagisa trembling. The men were both slowly getting up, the man's hideous weight leaving Nagisa and reminding him that he hadn't been breathing. He could see Rei from the bed, wide-eyed behind his glasses, expression drawn into a furious scowl that was bordering on the insane.

" _How… did you get in…_ " Rei's voice was a low rumble like the far-off thunder before a storm, and as both men righted themselves - strategically on either side of the bed - the first man attempted an excuse.

"Listen, buddy, if this is your place or something, this must be some kind of mix-up. Someone gave us the code and-"

" _You touched him,_ " Rei roared, eyes flashing. " _You touched my Nagisa with your disgusting hands_!"

"Dude, listen-"

Faster than the second man could reason Rei was upon him, and the man shielded his face, expecting a punch. That was a mistake. In Rei's hand was a long, wide-blade knife, and currently the knife was lodged in the man's stomach as Rei held the man by the back of the neck, driving the knife deeper. Nagisa watched the scene as if he were watching a television show, something fictional. He could still feel the sting from the man's hands around his wrists as he watched Rei twist the blade, his face devoid of consciousness or clarity. The man sputtered a groan and sank to his knees. Rei pulled the knife out, preceding a spurt of blood from the man's fatal wound.

The other man watched on in shock, producing a knife from his pocket with a shaking hand. Rei watched the man bleed at his feet for a moment before turning his dead eyes on the remaining man; a wild fear shadowed the man's face as he contemplated fighting or fleeing. As Rei began to steadily walk toward him, the man opted for fleeing and bolted to the door, his hands shaking too badly to grasp the handle. Rei caught him in the back between the shoulder blades before he could turn to defend himself. Grabbing him by the back of his collar, Rei dragged the wounded man back into the room, kicked him down and brought his hands over his head, sending the knife plunging into the pleading man again and again and again.

Long after the man's cries had ceased and his body became still, Rei was still stabbing him, the sound of it sickly and wet and echoing in Nagisa's ears. Rei spat angry curses, his eyes wide and empty.

Nagisa watched, frozen. His body was shaking and he felt hot bile rising in his throat. It felt like hours before Rei was finished, and no matter how badly Nagisa wanted to look away, he couldn't.

Breathing erratically, Rei finally stood up, shoulders heaving, his hand still gripping the knife that was positively dripping and staining the carpet a deep crimson. Rei breathed - just breathed - for several moments, his eyes staring at nothing. Nagisa was still stuck in a frozen state of disbelief when suddenly Rei spoke, startling him so badly he very visibly jolted, a scream stuck in his throat.

"Nagisa… my Nagisa…" He sighed, raking his free hand through his unkempt hair and gently adjusting his glasses, "I'm not mad at you, I promise." His blood-splattered face regained its usual warmth and his eyes found focus again. He smiled reassuringly. "You're safe now."

Nagisa's vision blackened and he succumbed to the suffocating comfort of unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WARNED YOU


	3. Just for the feel of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is always fine until the exact moment when it's not.

Eight Months Ago 

* * *

 

It hadn't been strange when Rei didn't reply to Nagisa's texts at lunch, but by the end of Nagisa's shift, it seemed odd.

Rei always replied to him promptly, and he _knew_ Rei had the day off today. Nagisa left Rei a concerned voicemail as he took the train home, an anxious flutter in his chest. Perhaps several months ago he wouldn't be taking this so seriously, but he couldn't help it today. He'd felt off all day.

He couldn't deny that Rei had been acting strangely over the last few weeks. Nagisa had kept it to himself, seeing no reason to overreact or involve other people, but now he wondered if silence had been the right way to deal with it. The uncharacteristic jealousy, the paranoia… Three nights ago, Rei had even suggested - _seriously suggested_ \- that Nagisa resign from his job. When he asked why, Rei's answer hadn't made sense to him.

_I can't stand the thought of other people looking at Nagisa-kun when I'm not around._

The train stopped and Nagisa shouldered his way off, jogging the rest of the way home. Something wasn't right. He needed to find Rei, he needed to talk to him about what was bothering him recently. He'd tried before but always relented when Rei insisted there was nothing the matter. Not anymore. If there was something bothering Rei, _really_ bothering him, he couldn't turn a blind eye to it.

Briskly climbing the two flights of stairs to reach the third floor, Nagisa swung open the door to their apartment, his eyes immediately drawn to the shoes sitting neatly in the entryway. "Rei-chan?!" Nagisa called, his hand reaching blindly next to him for the hall light. He switched it on and immediately groaned in relief.

Rei was standing in front of the coffee table, eyeing the items splayed out haphazardly on its surface. Though Nagisa had called for him, Rei did not budge. Nagisa shut the door behind him, every muscle in his body collectively relaxing.

"Rei-chan, you're _here…_!" Nagisa leaned back against the door, blowing an exaggerated sigh through his lips. "You worried me _so much_! I've been trying to get a hold of you for hours, I thought maybe something bad happened!"

It was another strangely long moment before Rei turned and regarded Nagisa with a warm - and somewhat unsettling - smile.

"I just got home," Rei answered, his hands comfortably in the pockets of his collared jacket. "I had important errands to run."

"Oh," The muscles that had just managed to relax suddenly tensed again. There was something thick in the air he hadn't noticed before, a strange tension like the waiting silence between lightning and thunder. "Why didn't you just answer your phone?"

"I waited for you to come home," Rei answered - though it seemed unrelated to the preceding question - stepping away from the table. As he approached Nagisa, the blonde had a wild urge to retreat though he couldn't place why. Instead, he pressed his back flat against the door, watching the approaching man like someone might watch a dangerous animal. _What am I so afraid of?_

"How was work, Nagisa-kun?"

"It was okay. Kinda slow..." Nagisa's mind was racing. Rei's eyes were locked on him, empty but focused, his smile artificially plastered in place. There was something very wrong. "Rei-chan… What are you…?"

"I want to take you somewhere," Rei said softly, stopping in front of Nagisa, sandwiching him between the door and his body. Nagisa never remembered Rei's body feeling so suffocatingly oppressive before. "Somewhere romantic, somewhere meant just for us."

"Oh…" Nagisa swallowed, his throat gone completely dry. "W-where?" he squeaked.

Rei blinked at him. "Nagisa-kun, what's wrong? You look pale," He raised a hand to gently touch his finger to Nagisa's forehead, and then his cheek. Nagisa repressed the urge to flinch. "Did you exert too much energy at work?"

"No, I'm fine," Nagisa assured with a smile.

"Ah, good," Rei cupped Nagisa's cheek with his hand. "Get changed then, and we'll go."

 _You never told me where we're going_ , Nagisa thought, but decided not to say so out loud. Was he _afraid_? Of _Rei-chan_? Something felt so incredibly off, he couldn't tame his nerves. He couldn't even muster up the courage to give Rei a kiss or a hug - something he normally wouldn't think twice about, especially after having been so frightened over Rei just moments ago.

"Mm, sure," Nagisa said instead, prompting Rei to move aside and let him pass. He mechanically walked to the bedroom, pulling clothes out of their dresser. He looked over his shoulder at Rei, who was standing stiffly in the doorway with that same plastic smile.

"You didn't say where we were going," Nagisa tried to casually put in as he shed his jacket and replaced it with a pink t-shirt and a white button-up shirt. Undressing in front of Rei felt strange today. They'd been living together for over a year and Nagisa had _never_ been shy about getting naked in front of his boyfriend, but today, Nagisa could feel something powerful and predatory radiating from Rei as he watched him change. It only added to the unnerving tension in the room.

"A place where we can be all alone," Rei repeated unhelpfully as Nagisa pulled on his pants, "far away from the hungry stares of the perverted Tokyo populace."

A chill flew up Nagisa's spine. "Huh? Rei-chan, I think you worry about that too much," Nagisa sputtered a nervous laugh, trying his best to mask his unease. "You're the only one I'm dating, after all! That's all that should matter, right? And we're all alone now, in our apartment! So..."

Something in the air snapped and was flung away. Rei's false smile slipped, his lips pinching together, his eyes flashing behind his glasses. His head lowered, his eyes going wide and staring at the floor as if he'd been wronged by it.

"It _doesn't_ matter," he whispered, barely audible. "It should but it _doesn't_. So many _eyes_ , so many people who want you… They want you like I do, those horrible perverts- don't they understand? _Don't they see that I love you like no one else can_ …?" Rei raised his hands to his head, his fingers slipping into his hair to pull it, knuckles turning white. His shoulders trembled and frantic giggles escaped his lips.

Nagisa was frozen in place, his heart hammering against his ribs. He didn't know this person. This wasn't Rei, this wasn't the person he met in his first year of high school, the person he grew to love in the swim club. This wasn't the person he'd pledged his love to, shared his meals with, shared his bed with.

_Has this person been here the whole time, living under his skin?_

"You belong to me… Nagisa-kun belongs to _me_ … All of him, completely, unanimously… _Mine_ …" Rei looked up, his crazed gaze locking onto Nagisa. The blonde flinched under his stare, taking an involuntary step back.

"Rei-chan… Stop messing around, w-what are you-"

"I love you, Nagisa-kun," Rei said, his lips pulling into a smile, warped with sincere adoration. Nagisa took another step back, his back hitting the dresser. "I love you so much. I'll _prove_ it to you. I'll be the only person who sees you, Nagisa-kun." Reaching into one of his pockets, Rei produced a long, slim object from his jacket. The fluorescent lights above gleamed through the plastic, illuminating the sickly clear liquid inside.

A medical syringe.

"R-rei-chan… Please stop! This is seriously scaring me, it's _not funny_!" Nagisa slowly slid his hand into his pocket to search for his phone. His blood froze in his veins as his fingers touched the bottom of his pocket. His phone was in his other pants. Rei started toward him, flicking the syringe with his middle finger.

"This is the only way we can be together, Nagisa-kun. I promise I'll keep you safe."

Nagisa had never considered what the term "frozen in terror" meant before now, but all of a sudden he was intimately acquainted with the feeling. His legs felt like they had transformed into tree trunks, rooted to the floor of their bedroom. Rei was approaching him with that unsettling smile and that horrible syringe and he could do nothing but tremble in fear. _This has to be a dream. Wake up._ _ **Wake up**_ _!_ Rei flicked the syringe again in preparation, standing only inches in front of Nagisa.

"Now just keep still, Nagisa-kun. You'll barely feel a thing."

Coming to his senses far too late, Nagisa retreated from the syringe, slamming into the dresser behind him. He knocked the lamp askew as he bolted for the bedroom door, adrenaline pumping loud and hard in his veins. If he could get away, if he could just call someone- Rei was after him before he could even make it to the door, grabbing his arm in a vice-grip and pulling him back. In a blind panic Nagisa shot out his fist and it connected with Rei's jaw. It did little but knock Rei's glasses off of his face, but that was enough to bring everything to a grinding halt.

Everything stopped. Nagisa stared at Rei in horrified silence, his breath stuck firmly in his throat, Rei's fingers digging painfully into his arm. Rei tilted his head to view Nagisa, his expression stone-like but his eyes absolutely blazing with unbridled rage. His normally lilac irises were iced over, cold and dull, and before Nagisa could really take in the difference Rei lurched back and backhanded him in the face. Nagisa's eyesight flickered and he crashed to the floor, letting out a cry of pain.

He'd been hit so hard his head was spinning and he couldn't find the will to move from his position on the floor. He could hear patient footsteps approaching him, and a body leaned over him, brushing hair gently away from his face.

"I'm sorry, Nagisa-kun," Rei cooed, speaking to him as though he'd just denied him ice cream opposed to nearly knocking him out. "You left me no choice, you realize. I know it's sudden, but I know what's best for you. This is necessary to keep you safe." Rei moved aside the collar of Nagisa's shirt, and a sharp, painful prick marked Rei's success. As the drug pumped into Nagisa's veins, he immediately felt his limbs numb and turn to jelly. He tried to fight it but he was losing by the second, the world becoming more unfocused than it already was. Nagisa groaned, tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Rei….chan…. _P-please…_. Don't..."

" _Shhhh_ , Nagisa-kun," Cold lips pressed softly against Nagisa's. "Don't push yourself. Go to sleep, and when you wake up, you'll be somewhere safe. I promise."

 _Safe_. Nagisa had _always_ felt safe. Being with Rei had made him feel safest. Even now as the stinging pain in his face faded away along with his consciousness, he wanted to believe Rei was right. That when he woke up, the Rei he loved would be back, and this terrible imposter would be a distant memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you understand the guilt I feel writing Rei like this
> 
> I have to live with this sin
> 
>  
> 
> ~~I am so sorry my strong handsome angelic butterfly~~


	4. Love makes it ugly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's easiest to let yourself fall.

Present Day

* * *

 

As usual, Nagisa was unsure how long he'd been asleep. When he woke, he felt a cool rag on his forehead and fingers stroking his hair. For a moment he was relieved. _It must have all been a dream_. It was only when he realized he could still feel those large, disgusting hands touching his body did he realize he hadn't dreamt it up. With a sudden jolt of panic Nagisa sat bolt upright, his eyes wide and searching, certain he would see the bodies that had fallen to Rei's knife. All that remained were bloodstains on the carpet, one of them more prominent than the other, a bucket of soapy water and a sponge beside the worse of the two.

"Th- The bodies- _The bodies…_!" Nagisa's voice was panic-filled and shrill, spilling out of his mouth directly from the fear center of his brain. "D-don't touch me…! Stop it… _**Stop**_ …!"

Strong arms encircled him from the right, pulling him into an embrace. He had a wild urge to push Rei away, to scream; he was positive there was blood getting all over him when really there was nothing but the faint smell of bleach and fruity body wash.

" _Shhh_ , Nagisa-kun, calm down," Rei whispered, holding him tenderly. Nagisa sank into his embrace, clarity returning to him. _Rei-chan protected me_. In the end, that's what happened. He was more scared of him than he'd ever been, but in the same way he had never felt so secure. The entire event had unravelled him, torn his last pillar of resolution asunder. Rei was a murderer. One could argue that it was self-defense or a rescue, but Nagisa had seen what happened. The hand stroking his hair lovingly killed two men. Nagisa suppressed a shudder and pressed his face into Rei's chest, terrified tears breaking the surface and coming out in a horrible torrent of sobs. Rei held him more tightly.

"I'm so sorry all of this happened… I swear, I won't leave you alone again, okay? I'm not mad, Nagisa-kun, I'm really not mad… I'm just so glad you're okay…"

Nagisa cried harder. He wanted to hear those words. If he let himself sway on the line of delusion, those words sounded like the most wonderful thing he had ever heard. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to give in to Rei's wishes and simply dissolve into a false love. Could it be worse than living the way he had been living? Was Rei even stable enough to attempt such a thing with him? Could he trust him not to snap if he stopped walking on eggshells?

Rei held Nagisa until he had sufficiently calmed down. He pulled away gently, holding Nagisa's wet, pink face in his hands. He smiled at him, the same smile Nagisa had seen washed with blood.

"Let's get you cleaned up, okay? I think just the thing to help you feel better would be a hot bath."

For once, Nagisa agreed wholeheartedly. Rei got up and as always offered a hand so that he might escort Nagisa to the washroom. When Nagisa tried to stand, his legs gave out entirely, sending him crumpling to the floor. Rei hoisted him up by the hand, looking concerned. "Nagisa-kun…?"

Nagisa's breathing became frantic. "I- I can't-" Panic began to set in again, hot and terrifying. Just as he was starting to come undone, Rei scooped him up in his arms, carrying him bridal-style to the washroom.

"You're still in shock," Rei calmly observed. "It might be a little while before the rest of your body wakes up." As they neared the bathtub, Nagisa realized Rei had already drawn a bath in anticipation. As Rei gently lowered him in, Nagisa's numb limbs immediately relaxed in the warm water. Rei sat on a stool by the edge of the tub and grabbed up a sponge, squeezing strawberry-scented soap onto it. Slowly and methodically, he began scrubbing Nagisa's arms and neck.

Several minutes carried on in silence as Rei worked. Nagisa stared at the water, moving only when Rei indicated he needed to in order to reach other spots. After some time, Nagisa was compelled to speak.

"Rei-chan…"

Rei ceased scrubbing, a look of humbled surprise on his face. "Yes?"

"Who… were those men…?"

Rei's expression became dark as he continued washing. "They were customers of some sort of sex trade ring, apparently. I looked through their call histories. Revolting people like them spend big money to purchase… _targets…_ and then, well. You know the rest."

_Targets_. He hadn't outright said it, but Rei was referring to the facility where Nagisa was being held. There was likely more than one of them, and based on what the two men were saying in the room, it seemed as if they were in the business of securing room codes and raping the captives while their captors were away.

Rei's movements slowed again. "Nagisa-kun… I really won't be mad if you tell me, but I have to know for certain… They didn't do anything to you, did they? Are you really alright?"

Nagisa shook his head. "They didn't do anything. You came just in time."

Rei let out a long breath and a relieved laugh. "Thank goodness..." He resumed his scrubbing. "I couldn't bear it if something happened to you..." His gaze dropped, his eyes hard and unfocused. Cold. The sponge halted on Nagisa's skin. "However... Those disgusting pieces of filth still put their hands all over you..." He began scrubbing Nagisa's arm again, his movements jerky and rough. "You were touched... by someone else... someone else... _someone else_..."

Nagisa knew well how Rei's mental state functioned by now, and he sometimes knew how to defuse it. "Rei-chan," Something familiar flickered behind Rei's clouded eyes. Nagisa dared to continue. "You... _saved_ me…" he murmured, his pride betraying him. Rei abruptly stopped washing, his eyes wide and staring at Nagisa in unabashed surprise.  "Thank you… if you hadn't… come…" The terrible panic was rising again, baseless and spinning; Rei dropped the sponge into the tub and embraced Nagisa tightly.

"I'm so relieved I was able to come in time..." he said as Nagisa trembled. "It wasn't just good timing," Rei continued, breathing softly into Nagisa's hair. "I received a phone alert that someone had accessed and distributed the code to our home. I came back straight away." He kissed the crown of Nagisa's head. "I'll never forgive them. Never, as long as I live. I'll scrub away their touches until you forget them entirely... I'll keep you safe, Nagisa-kun. I promise."

Safe? Was that was this was? Was Nagisa safer locked in this room barred from the rest of the world, spending the rest of his life living for Rei and accepting his unending 'love' provided Rei didn't completely snap?

Nagisa didn't want to think anymore. For now, he had never felt happier to be exactly where he was, in Rei's arms, being loved by him. Rei held him until he stopped shaking, and gently resumed cleaning Nagisa's body.

.

.

.

.

There was someone in the room. He couldn't see them but they were all around him, surrounding him on the bed, grabbing at the sheets. Nagisa kicked at the hands desperately, his heart pounding out of his chest, shouting for someone to help him. He couldn't let himself be touched by them. If that happened, he wouldn't be himself anymore.

The sheets were ripped away from him and Nagisa yelled out. There was an oppressive blackness pressing against his eyes, blotting out the rest of the world. He reached out his hands blindly, hoping to find something he could hold onto or some path to escape; his hand touched something cold, sharp and metallic. He gasped and yanked his hand away. As if the object were magic Nagisa's sight returned to him and he was looking up at Rei, who was smiling down at him adoringly.

"Nagisa-kun… I promise I'm not mad."

Nagisa looked down to see a knife lodged deep in his stomach. He opened his mouth to scream but was met with nothing but ringing silence.

.

.

.

"Nagisa-kun! _Nagisa-kun_ \- It's okay, you're okay! Look at me!"

When Nagisa came to his senses he realized he was screaming, and somehow or other he was on the ground, huddled in the corner near the bed. Rei was on his knees in front of him, holding his face in his hands. Nagisa stared at him with round eyes shining with water.

"Nagisa-kun…" Rei sighed deeply in relief. "Are you alright?"

Nagisa wasn't sure how to respond. His heart was pounding so fast he could hear it in his ears, and the terror he felt from the dream was hanging around him, making it hard to breathe. Fortunately, Rei didn't pressure him to give a straight answer. He stroked Nagisa's hair softly.

"You were having a night terror. Was it about those bad men?"

Nagisa nodded mutely, his throat tight. The details of the dream were slipping away from him alarmingly fast, leaving him feeling numb and tired.

"You poor thing," Rei lamented, brushing his fingertips over the sides of Nagisa's face. "You're safe now. You're with me. I won't let anyone touch you ever again, I promise. Do you believe me?"

Nagisa's eyes moved up to regard Rei and the other man held his gaze firmly. Choking back tears, Nagisa nodded. He wasn't sure what he believed, but he was certain that Rei was devoted to him, in his own way. Wasn't that enough? _Couldn't_ that be enough?

Rei smiled and kissed Nagisa's lips. He pulled away only to halt just over Nagisa's mouth, and then decidedly pressed their mouths together again. Again. Each time became longer and more passionate until Rei was holding the back of Nagisa's head, kissing him hard, Nagisa's shoulders uncomfortably digging into the wall.

Rei pulled away, his breath short, and even in the darkness of the room Nagisa could see that Rei's eyes were glazed with arousal. In a swift motion Rei scooped Nagisa up off of the floor and dumped him on the bed. Rei climbed over him, his expression desperate and lustful.

"I'm sorry," Rei panted, kissing Nagisa's chest. His tongue slipped past his lips to taste his lover's skin, humming in ecstasy. Nagisa shut his eyes, a whimper leaving his lips. "I can't hold myself back anymore. Ever since I saw those men…" Teeth grazed Nagisa's left nipple, causing him to gasp and toss his head to the side. "I can't _stand_ the thought of someone else touching you. My touch is the only one you need, Nagisa-kun… You belong to me." Rei lifted his head to look earnestly into Nagisa's bleary eyes, his hands holding the sides of Nagisa's face. "You're _my_ Nagisa. All mine… _All mine_ …"

Nagisa returned his gaze, Rei's form steadily becoming blurry for the hot tears forming in his eyes. He was Rei's possession, his captive, his everything. He wasn't sure he could ever accept his life as a prisoner - _really_ accept it - but it was becoming increasingly harder to fight it. Nagisa was tired. _Always tired_. Hope of escaping was a fading glimmer in a vast darkness that was slowly consuming him, filling him up with a heavy complacency until there was nothing to feel. Rei's desires didn't seem as insane or unreasonable as they used to. That was because he had been fully plunged into Rei's world, fully immersed in his delusions. He'd been alienated from the outside world for so long, it seemed only natural that he would succumb to the inevitable. _Stockholm syndrome, wasn't it?_ Nagisa could remember hearing about it once. It sounded silly to him then. How could anyone truly grow to love and depend on their captor?

Nagisa rose a shaking hand to touch Rei's face, tracing his thin fingers over the man's lips. Once, this was the man he loved. That love had been returned to him, though not in the form he originally intended. Was that really so wrong? Was it really so different from how other people loved each other? Nagisa wasn't sure anymore. He could never be sure, but perhaps he could let himself fall.

"I love you," Nagisa breathed, tears sliding over his cheekbones and falling into his hair. He had never said those words since coming to this place. He missed saying them. Rei's eyes blew open, unbelieving, lilac eyes shining with emotion. "Rei-chan… I love you…"

"Nagisa-kun… _Nagisa-kun_!" Rei seized his mouth in another kiss, deep and hot, fingers clutching Nagisa's hair to angle his head. Nagisa kissed him back and slung his arms around Rei's neck. Tipped himself straight over the edge. Falling, falling. He'd lost.

His shame was only a dull whisper among the grand euphoria of delusion.

.

.

.

"A house?" Rei repeats the words carefully, trying them out, a hint of suspicion buried under the syllables. The last time Nagisa had suggested leaving, he was kicking and screaming and had to be silenced with force. He'd known better than to try again, but now it was different.

Nagisa nodded, his head laying on Rei's chest, his lower body throbbing. The arms that circled around him tensed and then relaxed just as quickly. Nagisa felt it was safe to continue. "Maybe a house would be better. I don't care where. I'll go anywhere. As long as I'm with Rei-chan."

Rei's chin rested on the top of Nagisa's head and he hummed in contemplation. "A house… Would you like a house, Nagisa-kun?"

"I… I might."

"It could be possible," Rei said, rubbing Nagisa's arm. There was a short silence. "Nagisa-kun… Do you not feel safe here anymore?" Nagisa didn't answer. Rei sighed and held him more tightly. "Of _course_ you wouldn't… I understand. I can never forgive those involved with that incident... I brought you here to keep you safe, and still such a terrible thing happened… I apologize, Nagisa-kun. It was my oversight. I'll be sure to take responsibility."

Nagisa had to combat the wild urge to comfort Rei and assure him he'd done nothing wrong. He swallowed the words and they landed in the pit of his stomach with a dull flop. Breathing in a deep sigh, Rei nuzzled the top of Nagisa's head, kissing his hair.

"I love you, Nagisa-kun. I'm so happy… If it's a house you want, I'll start looking right away. I'll oversee the security and locks myself so that you won't have to worry ever again."

Nagisa knew what that meant. It meant a sound-proof basement, locks and leather cuffs. It meant a new, more modern place to keep Nagisa prisoner.

Something deeply buried inside of Nagisa whispered frantically to him, the only shred of reason left inside of his shattered brain. _It also means a better chance for you to escape,_ it said.

He pretended not to hear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK GUYS
> 
> THEy'RE HAPPY AND IN LOVE! NOTHING CAN GO WRONG THIS IS ALL PERFECTLY OKAY
> 
> ..... I am utter filth


	5. Love makes it easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can close your eyes, but it's always there.

As far as 'moving days' went, Nagisa was fairly sure his experience was especially unique.

Despite Nagisa's recent change in attitude, Rei still drugged him, spiriting him away in the middle of the night. Nagisa woke only once in the car, his body too weak to manage peeping through the car windows to see where they were. _It's a shame_ , he thought before slipping back into sleep. He hadn't seen the outside world in so long. Then again, it was going to be taken away again so quickly, maybe it was better left alone.

He had no idea how long they'd driven once they arrived at their destination. Rei's voice floated to him from somewhere distant, and Nagisa could vaguely feel a cold hand smoothing over his cheek.

"Nagisa-kun, we're here. Our new home."

Nagisa was scooped up and a car door slammed behind them. As Rei walked them up the path, Nagisa opened an eye to view their surroundings. His vision was blurry but he managed to make out a modest western-style house - very sleek and modern in design - surrounded by decorative stone walls and a tall cast-iron gate. The sun was rising just behind the wall, teasing Nagisa with its incredible slowness. He hadn't seen the sun in _so long_.

"Do you like it?" Rei asked close to Nagisa's ear, noticing his momentary consciousness. Nagisa didn't even have the strength to answer, so he simply let his head fall against Rei's shoulder as the gate was opened and they entered the property. As the front door came closer and closer, Nagisa's eyes became heavy once again. He slipped off just as Rei stuck his key in the lock.

.

.

.

Nagisa's new room was not as big as the apartment, but it was brighter.

Like his home at the facility, there was a large bed, a kitchenette and a washroom for his convenience. The kitchen was better stocked now that there were no caretakers to bring him food when Rei was gone, and unlike the apartment, Rei had installed several shelves for Nagisa to keep odds and ends - a present for being so good lately, Rei said. Nagisa couldn't help but be ecstatic about it. For so long he'd had absolutely nothing to keep himself occupied with when Rei was gone, and now he had a few books and magazines at his disposal. He'd read them all several times by now but still, it was something.

Rei allowed him more freedom since the move. He didn't need permission for every little thing anymore, and Rei had even purchased him clothing to wear when he pleased. Nagisa was so used to living in the nude he almost wasn't sure if he _wanted_ clothes, but eventually the appeal returned. Most of the time he was satisfied wearing only a shirt and socks, forgoing pants altogether. There was little point to pants when he never knew exactly when Rei would come in to immediately remove them.

There was a single steel door to the basement apartment where Nagisa dwelled, and just like the facility, it was controlled from the outside by a keypad. Even though they were alone now, he still noticed that the order of the bleeps changed every week. The break-in incident seemed to have left a lasting effect on Rei.

The familiar sound of the code being punched alerted Nagisa to Rei's return. As the steel door swung open, Nagisa closed his book and set it down on the bed.

"Welcome back," Nagisa offered with a smile.

"I'm home," Rei replied, loosening his tie and shrugging off his jacket. He tossed them both on the chair near the door, gently kicking the door closed. Nagisa peered at the white stairs beyond the door until they were out of sight. He'd never seen the rest of the house beyond those stairs. He wasn't sure he ever would. "I'm _exhausted…_ Work was trying today. Thinking of seeing you afterwards got me through it." Rei ran a hand through Nagisa's hair, leaning over the bed to kiss him sweetly on the mouth. He pulled away, his fingers curling around the back of Nagisa's neck. "Are you hungry? Would you like me to make dinner?"

"You're so tired from work, you don't have to push yourself," Nagisa said. In reality, he was never hungry anymore. He usually ate out of boredom or to ensure he didn't waste away. Rei smiled at him lovingly, leaning in to kiss him again.

"You're always thinking of me, Nagisa-kun. Don't worry, I won't push myself. But maybe laying down with you for a moment wouldn't be such a bad thing, either."

.

.

.

Rough hands were shaking him, knocking the air out of his lungs. Nagisa's eyes were open before he was even completely coherent, sputtering a surprised yelp as he was dragged violently back to consciousness.

" _Nagisa-kun_ ," Rei's eyes looked like they were on fire in the darkness of the room, positioned just above him. He was shaking Nagisa hard, slamming his shoulders repeatedly into the pillows.

"R-rei-chan, what's... what's wrong?" Nagisa asked, terrified, uncomfortably familiar with the way Rei's eyes were glinting. Rei ceased his throttling, though his fingers dug into Nagisa's upper arms so hard Nagisa was sure he was already bruising. As Rei stared down at him, silently seething, Nagisa shrank under his gaze, his half-asleep mind whirling frantically to think of what he might have done to upset him. Rei sucked a long, shaking breath in through his nose.

" _What... were you dreaming about..._ "

"W-what?" Nagisa's heart was beating out of his chest. Since moving into their new house, Rei had been relatively stable. Nagisa had made the decision to be obedient - to stop _fighting_ \- so Rei's emotions had been far less turbulent than they had in the past. Seeing Rei like this once again only served to remind Nagisa that nothing had changed. There was still something horribly broken and insane living inside of Rei, and it was likely that no amount of complacency could change that. Frightened tears bloomed in the corners of Nagisa's eyes. "Rei-chan, I don't-"

" _WHAT_ " Rei slammed him into the pillows again. " _WERE_ " Again. " _YOU_ " Again, harder. Nagisa squeaked in fear, sputtering a plea, " _DREAMING ABOUT_."

"I-I can't remember!" Nagisa exclaimed desperately. It was true, he really couldn't. Nagisa didn't usually remember his dreams anymore, and if he did, they usually slipped away so abruptly upon waking it was like trying and failing to hold sand between the gaps in his fingers. "Rei-chan, I'm sorry! _Please_ tell me what I did wrong!"

Sometimes, saying Rei's name brought him back from whatever episode he was experiencing. Tonight, it didn't work.

" _Haru-chan_ ," Rei whispered furiously. Nagisa's eyes went wide. " _Haru-chan_. That name left your lips, Nagisa-kun. Several times." He slammed Nagisa again, his lips curling into a furious snarl. "SEVERAL TIMES!"

He could remember now, just barely. He was having a dream about their days in the swim club. He must have been talking to Haruka in his dream. Nagisa's blood was pumping in his veins with such terrified ferocity he thought he might pass out. He might have preferred it that way. "Rei-chan, it doesn't mean anything!" Nagisa pleaded, tears rolling down his cheeks. "It was just a dream, it doesn't... mean anything... Rei-chan, _please_ , you're hurting me..."

Rei stared at him for another long moment before releasing him. Nagisa's arms stung from Rei's powerful grip, each finger forming its own bruise on Nagisa's pale skin. Rei climbed off of the bed, moving calmly to the bedside table to replace his glasses on his face. "No matter what I do, you'll never completely belong to me," Rei murmured quietly. Nagisa was too frightened to move. He stayed still as stone, watching Rei carefully from the corner of his eye, biting into his lip to keep from openly crying. Rei chuckled. "It's hopeless, isn't it? I can't even stand the thought of you remembering anyone but me. What must I do to erase them? When will you belong _only_ to me?"

"I- I do," Nagisa squeaked, hoping Rei had calmed down enough to attempt to defuse him. "I _do_ belong to you, I don't think about anyone else! I'm sorry, Rei-chan, I'm seriously sorry... I won't do it again, I promise."

There was a long, contemplative silence. Rei turned to view Nagisa on the bed, smiling softly at him. "I just need to be more patient," he said. "It's only been a year, after all. It will take more time to help you forget."

"R-right," Nagisa willed himself to calm down, hopeful that the worst had passed. Rei reached behind the headboard above Nagisa's head and pulled two items from behind it. As they dropped down onto the pillows, Nagisa felt his breath stop in his throat and he nearly choked on the panic.

Leather cuffs.

Specially fitted to Nagisa's wrists, attached to thick chains that were mounted to the back of the headboard.

"N-no... Rei-chan..."

"Shhh," Rei scooped up one of Nagisa's arms and locked the restraint around his wrist. Nagisa squashed the urge to pull away. There was no escaping, and resisting was always so much worse in the end. "We talked about this before, remember? Bringing up people from the past is forbidden. I have to do my best to make you forget them. You need to be punished." The second cuff clicked and locked, pulling Nagisa's arms above his head.

Nagisa was shaking so hard the chains were rattling against the headboard. "P-please... You don't have to... I'm sorry, _I'm so sorry_ -"

"It's called 'positive punishment', you know. Pairing an unpleasant stimuli with a behavior in order to deter the behavior. It's very effective." Rei's voice was a playful hum as he unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off, climbing over Nagisa and kissing his collarbone. "Two days should be enough. In the meantime, I'll make sure you can't think or even _dream_ of anyone else." He dragged his fingernails down Nagisa's nude torso, garnering a trembling cry from his captive. "You're mine, Nagisa-kun. _Mine_."

Nagisa did nothing as Rei defiled him, forcing Nagisa's body to yield under his touch. He never did, not anymore. As Rei forced himself inside and pain lanced through Nagisa's body, he realized it really _was_ hopeless. Tomorrow, Rei would turn back into the loving partner who cooked dinner for him and showered him with sweet words and touches. Even as he lay chained to the bed, Rei would feed him, talk to him and lovingly take care of his needs. Tomorrow, Nagisa could keep pretending. In moments like these, however, it was impossible to pretend. All he could do was stop thinking and try not to hate himself. Try not to hate Rei.

He just needed to get to tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone stop me, just put an end to my sins /lies down


	6. Love makes me fall again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes a happy ending is just perspective that has been persuaded to change.

They'd been living in their new home for little more than six months when Nagisa had an aggressive surge of reason.

Something in his mind dislodged and came undone. He'd been trying so hard to accept the way his life was, to fall into it - for a while, it had worked - but there was still some part of him that wanted to fight. The piece of him that craved freedom craved staying just as much. He no longer knew how to live without Rei. The idea of escaping was as terrifying as it was tempting.

_I love Rei-chan. Rei-chan loves me. Just let yourself believe that._

Some days, delusion just wasn't enough.

The view beyond the steel door - those simple white steps - taunted him day by day. Sometimes, Rei would leave the door open for longer than usual, giving Nagisa a frightening sliver of time to act. He never did. The option was there, screaming in his ears, deafening him with urgency, but he couldn't.

He couldn't, right up until the moment he could.

"Nagisa-kun… Are you alright?"

Nagisa realized too late that he was clenching his fists so tightly his nails were digging into his palms. He relaxed, stacking his dinner plates into a neat pile. Rei watched him in concern from across the kitchen counter.

"I'm fine, Rei-chan." Nagisa's eyes chanced a fleeting glance at the door, which was tauntingly cracked open by only an inch or two. He couldn't see the stairs from where he was standing, but he knew they were there. Just within reach.

Rei was at his side in moments, raising a hand to touch Nagisa's forehead. "You look pale, but you don't appear to have a fever. Are you sure you're feeling well? Was dinner satisfactory?"

Nagisa nodded. "Maybe I'm not drinking enough water."

"Remember to stay hydrated, Nagisa-kun. I leave you plenty of water, don't I?"

Nagisa nodded again. As Rei turned to grab up their plates from dinner and set them in the sink behind them, Nagisa's eyes locked on one of the large serving plates still resting on the counter, inches away from his hand.

"I also worry you simply aren't getting enough exercise, you know. Maybe I should look into exercise equipment… For your body type, an elliptical would be ideal. Perhaps an exercise bike. What do you think?" The dishes dropped into the soapy water. The hairs on the back of Nagisa's neck were standing rigid. His throat had gone completely dry, his voice coming out as a hoarse croak.

He heard Rei turn towards him. "...Nagisa-kun?"

In a flash Nagisa's fingers sought the edge of the serving plate and he gripped it. With all the power he had he swung it around, hitting Rei squarely in the side of the face, the porcelain shattering into a million pieces. Rei yelled out in alarm, stumbling, his glasses flying off his face. Nagisa didn't stay to see Rei's glasses hit the ground. Faster than he thought his legs could take him Nagisa scrambled for the door, his heart lodged in his throat and pounding in his ears. He threw the door open, the white stairs streaking past him as he climbed, his breath coming out in rough pants. _This is a mistake. He's going to kill me._ Nagisa shook away these useless thoughts, doing his best to focus on his goal. _Escape_.

When he reached the top of the stairs, more light than he ever remembered seeing flooded his senses. Nagisa stumbled, crying out in pain, covering his face with his hands. Sunlight _hurt_. It was so intensely painful. It had been over a year since he'd seen natural light, and now it was blaring at him from every long window on the upper floor. Squinting at the light with tears streaming down his face, Nagisa gathered himself up and kept moving. He _had_ to keep moving. He'd just done something terrible, he couldn't let this chance be wasted.

Nagisa bolted through the rooms, vaguely aware of his surroundings. He had no idea where the basement was in accordance to the rest of the house, therefore he had no idea where the front door was. He could barely see, the sunlight still burning into his eyes, obscuring the round table positioned in the middle of the largest room that Nagisa was darting toward.

The collision sent Nagisa sprawling to the ground, gripping his left knee. He sputtered a sob, hissing through his teeth. It hurt so much… His bones and muscles were so much weaker than they used to be, to be brought down by something like this…

Rei's voice called to him from another room, low and rumbling. Nagisa scrambled to his feet, panic rising in his chest. _Where is the door? Where is it?_ Rei called him again, louder, _angrier_ , the same crazed tone he'd used months ago when those men had broken into their apartment. Nagisa could barely breathe. He limped out of the room, trying to keep himself calm.

Thankfully it was a small house. Just ahead of him was the front door - he remembered it from moving day. A grateful sob spilled from Nagisa's lips. He was finally free. The door to his freedom was less than twenty feet away. Ignoring the shooting pain in his kneecap, Nagisa launched himself at the door, grabbing the doorknob and twisting with the last of his strength.

It didn't budge.

Nagisa tried again, his trembling fingers searching for a lock mechanism of some kind. There was nothing.

No.

His terrified eyes searched the door for another lock of some kind and fell on a small box to the left of the doorknob. It had a small LED screen and numbered buttons. A keypad.

_**No**_.

Nagisa's mind was spinning. Why had he not assumed Rei would think of _everything_? This meticulous man who had held him captive for over a year and a half, this man he'd been in love with since they were in their second year of high-school… No, since before their second year. He'd been in love with Rei since the moment he met him, and still he never thought that Rei would think so far ahead. He was such a fool.

With nothing left to lose, Nagisa threw himself at the door, pounding on it with weak, trembling arms and screaming for all he was worth. He knew no one could hear him. Not Haruka, not Makoto, not Rin or his family or anyone else. He could never be free again.

"Nagisa-kun,"

Nagisa turned, pressing his back against the door. Rei was meandering toward him, his expression murderously dark, bleeding from the right side of his face. His glasses were cracked, and flecks of blood peppered the right side of his pale green collared shirt. Nagisa was frozen, his lips parting to apologize or beg - he wasn't sure which - but his words shriveled and died in the back of his throat.

"Nagisa-kun, where do you think you're going?" Rei stopped a hair's breadth away from Nagisa, pinning him against the door. He raised a hand to Nagisa's face, running his thumb over the shorter's cheek. "Are you not happy here?" he asked in a shaky whisper, tears pooling in his own eyes. Nagisa mutely watched a thin line of blood dribble down the side of his face. Rei's thumb pressed hard into Nagisa's cheek, making him flinch. "...are you not happy… with _me…_?"

Before Nagisa could react Rei's hands were around his throat, long fingers circling around the pale flesh and squeezing directly into his wind-pipe. Nagisa gasped for breath, his own hands clawing at Rei's in desperation. In the struggle, the both of them slid to the floor, Rei straddling Nagisa's waist and squeezing him harder.

"Rei…. c-han… St...o..." He gagged. "I-m so-rry-"

"I thought we were _happy_ ," Rei roared, tears tapping against the cracked lens of his glasses. "We finally have a house of our own… I want to give you everything you want, I want you to be safe and protected… Don't you understand, Nagisa-kun? I love you… _I love you so much_ …"

His grip intensified. Nagisa's vision swam. The shreds of air he was able to swallow felt like knives and fire going down his throat. He tried to focus on Rei's face, plead with him with his eyes, his fingers slowly losing strength. Wet, warm tears fell on his cheeks, slipping from Rei's glasses.

"You belong to _me_ , Nagisa-kun! _Why can't you see that_? I can't live without you… There's _no way_ I can live without you! I'll die without you... So… _so_..."

One of Nagisa's hands fell limply to the floor. He stared up at Rei, wide magenta eyes watching as the rays of the afternoon sun fell over Rei's tousled dark hair, casting warm light over Rei's face. In that moment, he realized. Rei was just as trapped as he was. He was a prisoner of his own delusions, his own misguided feelings. He loved Nagisa. Nagisa had never doubted that for a moment. Nor had he doubted his own love for Rei.

Neither of them could ever be free.

As he felt the darkness drawing closer, Nagisa smiled. He used the last ounce of his strength to raise his hand, wiping away a stray tear that was dribbling down Rei's cheek. He shouldn't have tried to leave. Even after everything he'd been through, he didn't want Rei to cry. He didn't want him to hurt himself. As he let himself fade away, he mouthed three words he hoped Rei would understand.

He'd never meant them more than he meant them now.

.

.

.

Morning light trickled in through the kitchen windows, and a songbird in the tree just outside chirped enthusiastically. Nagisa finished off his strawberry pancakes, glancing at the clock. "Mm, Rei-chan, it's half-past eight."

"Ah, is it that time already?" Rei set down his newspaper, taking a last long swig of his coffee. He sighed and set the mug in the sink. "We got a rather late start this morning, didn't we?"

Nagisa smiled. "It's because Rei-chan and I were up so late~" he joked with a cheeky wink. "It isn't good for an up-and-coming lawyer to be late to work, right? You'd better hurry."

"Of course," Rei laughed, standing up from the table and buttoning his suit. "I'll be going then, Nagisa-kun."

"Ah, wait!" Nagisa jumped up and hurried to the counter, grabbing a neatly wrapped bento box. He presented it to Rei proudly. "Don't forget your lunch."

Rei carefully took the box, smiling fondly at it. "Thank you." His smile slipped and he glared suspiciously at the box. "Wait… There's more than just cream bread and sweets in here, right?"

"Uw _ahhh_? You seriously don't trust me to makes a nutritious lunch for you, Rei-chan?"

"You do have quite the track record, you know…"

Nagisa giggled. "I promise there's plenty of vegetables and meat!"

Rei smiled. He stepped around the table to run his fingers through Nagisa's fluffy hair, leaning in to kiss him. Nagisa kissed him back, deeply, fingers grasping Rei's tie to keep him close for a little longer. Rei pulled away, laughing through his nose. "Even if it was only a sugary mess, I would love it simply because Nagisa-kun made it."

Nagisa pecked Rei's lips again for good measure. "Get going or you'll be late, Romeo."

"I love you, Nagisa-kun."

"I love you too."

Rei grabbed his briefcase, fixed his tie, and punched in the code to open the front door. Nagisa waved goodbye, waving until the door had closed and firmly locked. He waved until he heard Rei's car pull out of the driveway. Nagisa lowered his arm, staring at the door for another long moment. He decidedly turned away to quickly wash some dishes. According to the clock, he had about fifteen more minutes; may as well keep busy.

With six minutes to spare, Nagisa pulled off his apron, folding it neatly and setting it on the counter. The songbird outside was still singing and the sun was still shining, but Nagisa did not listen nor look. Windows held nothing for him now, nothing but obnoxious sunlight that burned his eyes.

The iron shackle around Nagisa's ankle bleeped urgently, reminding him that he had only five minutes left until the electric shock switched on. Nagisa stretched his arms over his head, bending his spine to produce a satisfying pop. Sighing contentedly, Nagisa turned to leave the kitchen. He didn't want to be upstairs anymore, in the middle of all this blinding sunlight.

He made his way down the white stairs to the basement, his door left wide open for him. As he stepped over the threshold, his ankle bracelet began a series of fast warning bleeps until the door was closed shut. As the locking mechanism slid into place, the bracelet automatically went quiet and unlocked, falling off of Nagisa's leg.

Nagisa walked to his favorite chair, plopped down into it, and grabbed the newest book Rei had brought him though he knew he would barely be able to focus on it. Nine and a half hours. That's how long it would be until he saw Rei again. He would wait. His life was waiting for Rei to come back to him, no matter how long it took. Nothing else mattered.

As long as they had each other, nothing else mattered at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I REGRET NOTHINGGGG
> 
> Thank you to everyone who sinned along with me as I posted this monstrosity. I enjoyed writing it! (DON'TJUDGEME) I really like twisted, toxic sorts of romances though. (Though I don't like to romanticize them.) I've always wanted to write one like that with Reigisa as the subject, but it was always hard because those two are just SO CANONICALLY ANGELIC AND SWEET it's hard to warp their relationship like that in a way that works.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed, please leave a comment if you did! Now I'm off to write some fluff to heal my tainted soul... ╭( ･ㅂ･)و ̑̑


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